1. Pull an all-nighter
2. Play hide and seek
3. Turn up after a night out … pissed
4. Have sex
5. Resist Facebook for the day
6. Order a pizza (delivered to your desk)
7. Masturbate
8. Move someone’s stuff when they go for lunch …
9. Get thrown out for indecent exposure
10. Answer your phone in Trigger Happy style …
11. Go streaking
12. Set off the fire alarm
13. Let off an air horn
14. Switch the monitor cables on two computers
15. Go in fancy dress
16. Befriend the security guards
17. Have a paper planes race
18. Take someone on a date
19. Go crazy with a remote control helicopter
20. Have a lift race
21. Put Meatspin on your computer when you go for lunch … see how many spins you get!
22. Wear a massively stupid hat
23. Write dirty words on the whiteboards in permanent marker
24. Steal a library book
25. Do some work?

This week’s controversy relates to the House of Commons approving the increase of the minimum level universities can charge undergraduate students by 200%. Certainly it’s unpopular among young people, and especially those that voted Lib Dem, but I’ve struggled to find an objective discussion on this issue that focuses more on the impact of the changes rather than petty political alliances. I’m going to give this a go here.

A few facts:

ONE – THERE’S NO MONEY LEFT. The former Chief Secretary to the Treasury Liam Byrne might have been blunt, but he was correct. The often quoted size of the UK deficit is £175bn (9 zeros) which equates to roughly £2,500 for every man, woman, child and baby in the UK. Left unchecked, that number is only going to rise as interest payments and other charges rack up.

TWO, UNIVERSITIES HAVE CHANGED. We live in a country where the number of higher education institutions is counted in the hundreds rather than the tens. The UK has one of the most comprehensive further education systems in the world and is envied the world over for the opportunities they bring.

THREE, NOONE VOTED FOR THIS GOVERNMENT. Election campaigns and manifestos are based on the notion that one party forms the government, not two. To say that this government is unpopular is an immediate truth, noticeable from day one of the coalition agreement. An extension of this notion argues that compromise is inevitable – while that’s not an indisputable fact, it’s worth briefly mentioning.

FOUR, NOT EVERYONE IS A STUDENT. In fact, there’s an awful lot of people who aren’t students. It won’t be long before there are more retired people in the UK than young people, so while most of the people who fraternise Facebook might be young, and that your news feed might be filled with anti-tuition-fee-rise rhetoric, it doesn’t speak for the UK as a whole. Even if you aggregate the total protestors from the student riots, they still make less than 10% of the number who protested against fox hunting or the Iraq war.

It’s at this point where I delve into the economics of things. Hopefully this won’t make you fall asleep. Economics teaches us one main conclusion for this scenario, and one that most people are neglecting: university does in fact cost a huge amount of money, a lot, lot more than it does at the moment. The fact that most universities will raise their fees to the maximum shows the actual cost on universities is still well above £9,000. In fact, Lord Browne’s review – which led to the current policy – said that in the absence of government intervention fees would be as high as £14,000 per person per year. Perspective is now quite important; relative to a scenario where universities are free to choose what fee they like, the £9,000 fee is actually good for students. Relative to a £3,000 fee, it’s much worse.

Let’s now focus on both sides of the argument, starting with those who oppose the fees.

“Increased fees will mean fewer people go to university”. That’s perfectly valid; if you’re going to start messing around prices then there is no doubt that the number of people who will buy it. Trebling fees will mean fewer people will study and there’ll be an adverse impact on the quality of the English education system.

“All the politicians had a free university education, why shouldn’t we?” This argument is completely invalid. The reason why university was free in times of yore is that hardly anyone went, which meant that government subsidies to universities weren’t very high (see Fact TWO). Nowadays, in a world where are more universities and more people going to universities, the size of government subsidy would be huge. Last year, according to UCAS, 480,000 places were available. If universities were free, and we assume that £14,000 is the true cost I mentioned above, that makes a total subsidy of £6.7billion each year. That’s the same as the GDP of Albania or Cambodia or two thirds the cost of the UK police force, to give a bit of perspective.

“They’re breaking their election pledge to avoid top-up fees.” This is true as well. The Lib Dems have made a fairly considerable U-turn on their pre-election policy of opposing any increases in tuition fees. But let’s not start saying that Clegg and his liberal army have completely sold out and lost their political credibility. U-turns in government policy are not uncommon – even within a few months of a general election – and if we recall Fact THREE no-one voted for a Liberal-Conservative government. Given the compromises in the coalition agreement, it’s a set of policies that neither party can be particularly pleased with.

“The Welsh and Scottish government won’t raise fees at their universities”. That’s true, but also completely irrelevant. The Welsh Assembly and Scottish Parliament have powers to write their own legislation and they have their own budgets. If they want to subsidise their own universities then that is entirely their decision. In part, we can recall Fact TWO; funding models for 10ish universities in Wales and 15ish universities in Scotland will be completely different to a funding model for 90+ universities in England.

Let’s now look at some of the arguments for increasing fees.

“It’s a much fairer system for everyone.” This argument simply isn’t clear, and it’s a slight failure on the government to not explain how the system will be fairer. But the headline argument – trebling tuition fees to £9,000 – certainly isn’t clear.

“Everyone has to chip in to reduce the deficit.” This is a very compelling argument and it’s surprising the government haven’t pushed this further. There are so many cuts and changes being planned that there is no-one that won’t be affected (see Fact ONE). Everyone in the public sector (5 million people) is taking a pay freeze – or in inflation terms a pay cut – and there is a 10% chance of redundancy across the sector. Child benefit payments will be changed or scrapped. VAT will increase in January to 20%. The coalition plans affect everyone and as far as I know everyone else hasn’t started demonstrating and wrecking small parts of city centres. The fact that students feel it necessary to destroy parts of Parliament Square each week to vent their anger is frankly bordering on childish – it’s not as if everyone else is happy with the cuts. We can also use Fact FOUR here – not everyone is a student.

“Better paid graduates should pay more.” This argument depends on whether you think fairness is a good thing. The merits of going to university in terms of higher pay and better career progression are pretty well explored – by academics, unsurprisingly (of course university academics would say this – they want people to study at their institution!) And if you think that the raised tuition fees acts as a graduate tax or not – given how long it might take to pay off debts – then better paid graduates in areas like business and law should indeed pay more if fairness is a big part of your agenda. That said, if you’re going to spend three years studying to get a job with equivalent pay as that without a university degree, then there’s three years wasted earnings a student misses out on as well as a big question about what added value a degree brings.

“Universities will need to improve to excellence to justify the cap.” This argument is valid if the system works. Measuring excellence is not straightforward to do, at least numerically, and everyone’s opinion of ‘excellence’ is different. But it’s pretty likely that universities will take this up and make improvements; given the cuts to their allocation from the government they will do anything to get more money from domestic students.

So there are the arguments both for and against. Make your mind up as you wish, but for what it is worth here’s my opinion. I was fortunate enough to pay £1,200 a year each year for my degree, but I wouldn’t think twice about my decision to go to university if fees were £3,000 or even £9,000 – I would still go. The benefits of going to university still outweigh the costs, even if fees are £27,000 for three years. I know I would not have done a fraction of the things I have done and be in the place that I am in my life if I didn’t go to university. I know I can say that with the benefit of hindsight, but I am confident I would have the same view five years ago before I went to university…

What do you think?

The Recipe

2 chicken breasts
3 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp chopped ginger
4 spring onions
1 tbsp of tomato ketchup
1 ½ tbsp of red wine vinegar
1 tsp of brown sugar
1 heaped tsp of cornflour
150g rice
handful of beansprouts
shot of veg oil

soak the rice in cold water.
cut away any sinew from the chicken and slice into thin strips.
toss the chicken in the soy sauce and leave to marinate for as long as possible.
drain the rice, put into a pan with cold salted water and then boil until plump and fluffy (about 8 minutes from simmering point).
slice all of the spring onions as finely as possible and cut the ginger small as well.
fry the soy chicken in the shot of oil until very nearly cooked through.
toss in the ginger and the white ends of the chopped spring onions into the pan.
stir together the ketchup, sugar, vinegar, about 100ml of water and the cornflour in a small bowl.
pour into the pan and bring to a simmer, stirring all the time.
mix the cornflour in a small bowl with two tablespoons of cold water and then stir into the pan.
let the mixture bubble for 2-3 minutes, stirring all the time to prevent burning around the edges, then stir through the beansprouts at the last moment.
drain the rice once cooked.
serve a mound of the rice in a bowl with the sweet and sour chicken on top.
garnish with the finely sliced green part of the spring onion and then grab your chopsticks.

serves 2

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This really isn’t something anyone cares about at the start of the year, made worse by the fact your tutors will continuously drum it into you how important it is to do a placement and how you’ll struggle to find a job in ‘the real world’ if you don’t. Add this to Uni work and actually having a social life, finding a placement will always take a back seat, and who can blame us?

Getting a placement
I was extremely naive in thinking that I could just email a long list of companies a generic (and badly written) CV and cover letter and actually get any sort of response back. So, after looking at a friend’s cover letter (who had actually been to the placement office) and after spending 10 minutes talking to someone about my CV at a careers fair, I had a major re-think. I re-wrote everything and tailored it to what the different companies were looking for (and also spent a couple of paragraphs feeding their ego) and eventually it paid off. I was offered an interview and then, to my overjoyed surprise, an actual job!

In at the deep end
The first day at work was actually more overwhelming than the first day of Fresher’s Week. I was immediately chucked straight into the deep end and my bosses wasted no time in getting down to the nitty gritty stuff like creating spreadsheets, asking me to process information full of company words, phrases and numbers that may as well have been in Swahili.  Adding to this stress was the fact that my body was still in student mode, it wanted to go to bed at 4am when I was telling it that it needed to be up and active at 7.

Learning curve
But, fear not! Just three months into my placement I have learnt a ridiculous amount and I now understand things I never thought I would or could and more surprisingly, my body has adjusted. I have also met people who have led complex and inspiring careers, and have learnt skills I actually need that I wouldn’t have learnt (through simply listening in class) otherwise.

It is by no means easy to find a placement, and terrifying once you do, but it is more than worth the effort. So if your toying with the idea of doing a placement, try it, join the ‘real world’…if only for a year!

Recipe

minced beef (1kg)
1 red onion
2 cloves of garlic (optional)
handful of fresh parsley
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
dollop of French mustard
chunk of Gruyere cheese (Swiss)
ciabatta bun
1 fresh tomato
crisp lettuce leaves
mayonnaise (optional)

preheat the oven to 200°C.
peel the onion and garlic (if using) and grate it to a pulp.
wash and finely chop the parsley.
cut a the cheese into a thumb-sized chunk.
pound the meat with the salt, pepper, onion, garlic, parsley and mustard to mix well.
form onto 4 heaps of meat and mould into burger shapes.
poke a hole into the centre and stuff in the cheese.
squeeze over the top to seal the cheesein.
fry the burger in a hot pan to get a good brown colour on both sides then transfer the pan to the oven (make sure it doesn’t have a plastic handle).
cook in the oven for about 10-15 minutes until the burger is cooked right through and the cheese has melted.
prepare the salad ingredients, slice the bun and lightly toast.
smear the bun with mayo, stack up the salad and top with the burger.
balance on the lid, holding together with a skewer if necessary and tuck in.

serves 4

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How many times have you gone out on the town and seen hordes of scantily dressed girls dressed in “fancy dress”, making a drunken beeline for a club?  One night you’re impressed to see a girl dressed as a sexy post lady. It’s very hard to make a post lady sexy, but somehow that girl had managed it. But this begs the question, why would you want to make a post lady sexy? The traditional erotic fantasies of female fancy dress involve maids, nurses and secretaries, but a post lady? Why do we, in our overly-sexed society, feel the need to sexualise everything? You need only type “sexy Alice” into Google to find sultry blonde models dressed in skimpy, Alice in Wonderland outfits. Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, takes place on 4^th May, Alice’s seventh birthday. Seven years old and grown women are dressing in a sexualised pastiche of her outfit? It all just seems a bit wrong.

It’s exactly the same situation at Halloween, and it all seems a bit irrelevant. Some of the most popular outfits amongst girls are some kind of animal or a devil. These involve the least amount of work possible and consist basically of some cheap plastic ears or horns and the skimpiest outfit possible. This quote from the film Mean Girls (2004) sums up the process beautifully: “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” It seems ironic that “slut” is seen as an acceptable substitute for “scary”, that you can ask someone what their Halloween costume is and they can, “A rabbit, duh,” and not question the fact that rabbits, well, they’re not really that scary. At all.

Girls, we’re not against fancy dress. In fact dressing up is incredibly fun, and there is a certain joy in the freedom to dress unusually, to maybe show a little more leg than usual, in the name of your character. But originality is needed, and an effort to make your costume at least relevant to the occasion. Ok so, you want to dress as a French maid for whatever reason for Halloween. Just cover yourself in fake blood, add some pointy plastic fangs and be a French maid who has been turned into a vampire. Sometimes the most fun costumes are the ones that are totally odd, for example turning up as a haunted Ouija board, complete with cardboard sandwich-board style outfit. Be original and maybe you will be appreciated for your sense of humour and creativity rather than your body.

What you’ll need:

4 big cloves of garlic
olive oil (160ml)
red wine vinegar (60ml)
1 lemon, juiced
2 fresh chillies (more to less to taste)
tsp sea salt
sprig of thyme
1 small chicken (to cut for spatchcock)
handful of mixed salad leaves
chunky chips

peel the garlic cloves and stick into a food blender with the oil, lemon juice, vinegar, thyme, chillies and salt.

blend to a smooth marinade.

cut either side of the backbone with a pair of sharp shears and then remove the diamond-shaped breast bone from inside the cavity.

open the chicken up like a book and rub the marinade all over, inside and out. Leave in the fridge overnight if you can.

preheat oven to 180°C.

lay the spatchcock chicken on a baking tray and roast for about an hour until cooked right through and there are no signs of blood at the thickest parts of the bird. Check by cutting into a leg joint.

serve with plenty of fresh salad and some chunky chips.

Serves 2-4

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1. Avoid the shops on campus
Trust me, a shop on campus is never going to be the best value.  They have a captive audience of students who can’t be bothered to go off-campus to find food, and so have no need to give the best deals to lure you in. Do yourself a favour and find a local shop, especially for fresh fruit and veg, while for the bulkier things, it’s best to find a proper supermarket, and possibly do an online shop.  Clubbing together with flatmates to share the delivery charge on online orders is an excellent way to save money – and to get to know your flatmates.

2. Buy in bulk (non-perishables)
When you can, buy things like pasta in bulk.  Doing this not only ensures that you can get better value for money on your non-perishable food, but also that you will be less tempted to buy things on impulse if you run out often.

3. Make a list and stick to it
The best way to ensure that you get what you need (and ensuring that you don’t divert to ready-meals and takeaways) is to make a list and stick to it.  This way, you get the things you need, and you have a purpose in entering the supermarket – there’s nothing worse for the bank balance than wandering aimlessly round the supermarket, trying to remember what it was you’d run out of and getting distracted by the triple chocolate cookies.

4. Don’t be sucked in by offers
Don’t be deceived.  Offers are great if they’re on something you need, or something that you will use.  But if there’re not on your list, as a rule, it’s better not to go there.  Special offers are designed to make you think in “what ifs” – “what if I want such-and-such next week?” or “what if that’s never going to be that cheap again?”

5. Plan meals
Work out what you’re going to cook and when.  The first few weeks, when most courses are still getting warmed up is an excellent time to get into this habit.  Make sure you make the most out of what you buy and do not waste food.  Often, shopping little and often can sometimes be best to avoid having to throw food out when it goes beyond its used by date.

1. The Deep Social and Cultural Interest
This one is for parents, tutors and JK cynics alike. Watching The Jeremy Kyle Show does deal with some pretty serious issues and, if nothing else, offers some serious life lessons. Sleeping with a partner’s sibling and/or parent, for example, rarely seems to end well.

2. The Man Himself
Fairly self explanatory. Be it the snappy suits, interesting eye brow movements or classic catch phrases, it is Mr Kyle who makes the show. Particular favourite outbursts include ‘Why didn’t you put something on the end of it?’ in reference to the somewhat lax approach to contraception displayed by guests and used approximately sixteen thousand and one times per show. Pay extra attention to Jeremy’s movements; when he sits on the step, you know things are going to get heavy…

3. The Characters
Rightly or wrongly some of the guests on the show provide TV gold. Look out for top notch insults such as ‘Shut up man, you look like a racoon’, fashion faux pas galore and the ones that you think you might just know. There may even come a time when a particular guest warms the cockles of your heart in a life affirming embrace with a long lost relative.

Be sure to check out the audience for familiar faces, too, as the set of Jeremy Kyle is a popular haunt for students from all over the UK.

4. The Drinking Game
Thanks to the wonders of social networking, what began as a weird game played by an unusual few has now become a phenomenon among students. We are, of course, referring to the Jeremy Kyle drinking game which, despite a number of different variations, can be found in its entirety HERE.

5. The Grand Ole Scheme of Things
Despite the constant rumble of dissent about adverts on TV, the five minute breaks are perfect for whipping up a good brew or some much needed beans on toast. Perhaps most importantly at all, The Jeremy Kyle Show fits in perfectly with the daytime schedule. Broadcast between 9.30 and 10.30, the show is perfect for assisting the traumatic move between bed and sofa.

So there you have it. Next time the remote falls into your capable hands, stick good old Jezza on.